Why I Wear Widow’s clothes

I was married for 34 years. Being born in a Brahmin smärta orthodox family, I was ingrained with traditional cultural values from my childhood. Living in a big joint family consisting of grandparents, uncles and aunts who sincerely followed Vedic lifestyle fostered in me an appreciation of the value and preciseness of this pristine culture.

After my grandfather left this world, my grandmother shaved her head, stopped adorning herself with ornaments including ear rings, nose rings, bangles, ankle bells, stopped using kumkum (vermilion) and started wearing a pale yellow color nine-yards saree. I was young and therefore curious about my grandmother’s appearance which was in contrast with the other women who decorated themselves nicely. After I got married, I saw a similar disposition in my husband’s grandmother who was a widow and followed the same pattern in her life as well.

I later learnt from my elders about this social custom applicable for a Widow. I understood that this has been the appropriate custom for generations in cultured families. It is not a cultural imposition or superstitious belief of the hindus, but has a scientific basis. It is vital for a woman to not exhibit her riches, beauty, fame, knowledge, love, affection for attracting anyone after losing her husband.

Irrespective of my grandmother’s appearance and her voluntary disassociation from regular social functions, she was highly respected by everyone. She was a role-model, an epitome of chastity, kindness and she endeared all of us with her excellent cooking. We never saw the difference in her appearance as a reason to behave or treat her in any way different from any other woman in the family. We all loved her immensely. She enthralled us with her tales from Sastras like Ramayana and Mahabharata and tradition signifying spotless Vedic values required for women in society.

Do Clothes matter for a widow

Srila Prabhupada writes in his purport to BG 1.40: “Good population in human society is the basic principle for peace, prosperity and spiritual progress in life. The varnashrama religion’s principles were so designed that the good population would prevail in society for the general spiritual progress of state and community. Such population depends on the chastity and faithfulness of its womanhood.”

In the modern scenario, neither people nor their leaders have a clue of what a good population is. They have conceptions of population growth, population control, population density etc. which can give some idea in terms of quantity of people in a state but not the quality of people. Broadly, moral, ethical and spiritual consciousness of people determine the quality of population and in turn the worthiness of the society.

Presently, social progress is measured in terms of the facilities accessible to most people with minimal difficulty. However, social progress should not be measured only on how prosperous the state is but how peaceful people are and the spiritual progress they make. Varnashrama setup provides a template to bring forth such holistic progress leading to generation of good population. One of the most important roles played in this setup is by the womenfolk.

This is the reason why women must be protected. They should be protected carefully by their father before marriage, by their husband after marriage, and by their sons during old age. Protection means restriction, but aren’t children also restricted for their own best welfare? Protection entails both their physical and spiritual well-being, of which chastity is of prime importance.

A woman’s chastity and shyness is projected in the way she dresses herself and the clothes she chooses to wear. Women’s body requires them to dress in a particular way which in turn protects them; And protects others from their influence.

From the Vedic viewpoint, we can understand that just as the food we intake is contaminated by the three modes of material nature and affects the conditioning of the person, similarly the clothes one wears, if in passion and ignorance, affects the consciousness accordingly. Passionate clothes incite lust in oneself and others. Attractive clothes reflect the mode of passion.
In Vedic culture, women’s attire denotes her position in the society. Respectful, chaste women dress themselves in either six-yard or nine-yard sarees. This enables them to remain virtuous and abide by dharma as given in Sastras.

According to the dharma-Sastras, there are different types of dress styles for different class of people. By the dress one is identified in the society.

In this regard, Srila Prabhupada explains:

By the woman’s dress, one will understand who is she—whether she is living with her husband, whether she is widow, whether she is unmarried, or whether her husband is out of home, or whether she is prostitute. The culture is so nice, simply by the dress one will understand that “Here is a woman, her husband is not at home. Here is a woman, she is widow. Here is a woman, she is prostitute.” In this way, there are. “Here is a woman, she is not married.” By dress, one will understand. That vermilion sign means she is married. When she is nicely dressed, oh, she has her husband at home. When she is in white cloth, without any ornament, she is widow. When the sīmanta…, Parting. If it is not in the middle, it is in side, she is a prostitute. So woman should dress in such a way that man will understand. And not married, she will not have this veil. It must be open. So anyway, these are social customs in the Vedic civilization.[1]

 

According to Yäjïavalkya’s religious injunctions, a woman whose husband is away from home should not take part in any social functions, should not decorate her body.[2]

This culture is almost forgotten now. Imitating western culture has resulted in social chaos and hellish situation as lust has become the basis of every social interaction. Women can make a very good start by deciding to wear traditional clothes and can immediately perceive a change in their consciousness and perspective. This is an observable reality. What to speak of married or unmarried women, even when one becomes a widow, she has her own attire and conduct in the society, which helps her to advance in spiritual life.

Generally, in North India the widows wear white saree, shave and cover their head whereas in South India they wear a pale yellow color saree. It is also interesting to note that not far in the past in cultures of Europe and Africa, widows wore black dress for life. But with the influence of modern hedonistic outlook, this culture has vanished in the West and gradually fading in India as well.

I lost my husband when I was 53. I was inclined to follow in my grandmother’s footsteps. But I was criticized by everyone around me for taking this decision. “The times have changed and we don’t have to follow these old, archaic, rigid and demeaning customs” was what I was told. But by this time my purpose of life had taken a strong turn to spiritual culture And my change of external appearance gave me the freedom to cultivate detachment from this mundane world.

To my surprise, this attire still commands great respect from many. Widows are required to cultivate detachment. Once the husband is not alive, there is no need to dress for anyone else’s pleasure.

My story may seem as a personal choice for someone born and brought up in the tradition. But it is important for us to understand that Vedic culture is applicable at all time, places and for everyone who wants to live a happy life. This is especially true for one who has understood that the purpose of human life is to cultivate pure loving devotion to Sri Krsna. And detachment from affection for the body is one of the most important pre-requisites and one of the fundamental teachings of spiritual life.

Life in the modern days is based on gratifying our senses, thus becoming bound in the shackles of materialistic life and forgetting our eternal goal: our relationship with the Supreme Lord Krishna. But in Vedic life we are trained to mold our life to reduce the bodily necessities, keeping in mind that we are meant to give enjoyment to the supreme Lord. He is the enjoyer and we are to be enjoyed by Him. So everyone was trained in all spheres of life – eating, dressing, working, speaking, hearing, smelling, touching – focused to give pleasure to the Lord.

Dressing helps a widow to remind herself of the simplicity and her vow to express her determination, a life of austerity for the sake of constantly remembering and serving Krishna. It is not a ritual forced by our ancestors to dominate and control women. These women voluntarily embraced such lifestyle, having understood the loss of their husband as a consequence of their previous karma and ultimately the Lord’s plan to push them in devotional service and take them back home back to godhead.

Among the followers of Srila Prabhupada, widows should be exemplars, of the Vedic culture that all need to follow for spiritual advancement.

It is a good guidance and role model set up for young girls who are devotees and also gives them clear directions  to practice Krishna consciousness in all situations of life.

Thanks to the clear teachings of Srila Prabhupada who has revived this vedic culture in India and throughout the world and also to my Guru maharaj (HH Bhakti Vikasa Swami), who has given the courage, strength and inspiration to practically apply it in my life, in the beginning I was reluctant, but after his repeated advice, I later took it up and felt much better in my life due to which I am not lost in thoughts of what to do in life, dharma is clear, my duties even after having lost my husband are clear, thus I feel protected, safe, sheltered and felt happy. It is good for me, in this age to share the rich experience of Krishna conscious culture with other ladies old and young, teach girls in our society, to train them in chastity, stri dharma, help the couples in difficulties, have more time to preach amongst women and help myself and others in making advancement in Krsna consciousness and thus perfect our lives.

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[1] Lecture on SB 1.8.47. May 9, 1973, Los Angeles

[2] SB 1.11.31 purport